Divorce and separation happens.
Logically, we know this. It’s a complicated thing for all parties involved. If you’re here, you may be asking yourself if there are any coparenting strategies to make the situation a little easier for your kiddos.
In my personal coparenting journey, there have been many learning curves and hardships. And while I may never want to see my ex again, I know that my child deserves to have both of his parents there to support him and be involved as much as possible. It isn’t his fault we got a divorce, and it’s tough being a child caught in this situation. Especially if we maintained such a strained relationship that only one or the other could show up to special events. That wouldn’t be fair for anyone.
So what can we do to better coparent with our kids in mind?
I like to start by reminding myself that I am no longer beholden to this person. He has no control over my own life, and I only have to be as friendly as I would be with any other person I meet. I try my best to take my own feelings out of the equation (which is not always easy!) and instead focus on the memories my son will have to reflect on.
Memories like-
- Both of his parents chatting together while waiting for his name to be called for an award.
- Mom and Dad throwing joint birthday parties for him that all of his family was invited to.
- My ex and I backing each other up in parenting decisions, such as a consequences or bed times.
- Dad and Step-Dad taking turns pushing him on the swing at the park.
- Both of our now blended-families going to see a movie together or having a day at the lake.
You get the idea.
And I realize this all may sound easy. Like I’ve got some secret or my ex and I must be some kind of expert humans…
But friend, we are most definitely not.
I won’t sugar coat and say that getting here was a cake walk. Each coparenting journey is unique and filled with potholes and plot-twists. The only real key is keeping your child(ren) in mind.
When I reflect on those events now, even if they may have been frustrating at the time, I feel proud that we were able to set aside our differences long enough to give our child those memories.
So what are some healthy coparenting ideas you could try to implement now?
*The following ideas are under the assumption that you and your ex can remain amicable in front of your child, and it is safe for you to interact with them. Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you are in an unsafe situation and live in the US.*
- If you and your ex are on speaking terms, invite them over to share dinner or go see a movie with your child and each other’s new families. Even if at first it may be uncomfortable. With repeated practice, most things tend to become more palatable.
- Shared birthday parties or holidays are another great way to give your child a sense of normalcy and stability. Speak with your ex and decide who will take care of what, who’s house or what venue would keep things the most comfortable, and who to invite from both sides. And when the time comes, focus on your child and keep in mind that this can become a positive memory for them if you can maintain a friendly coparenting attitude. Who knows? It may become a new tradition.
Sidenote–
An added benefit of blended family get togethers is meeting new partners. You get a chance to chat and get to know each other in a relaxed setting. You can see firsthand how they interact with your child (which is often the biggest worry). It’s a big step realizing we cannot control who our exes date- but that doesn’t mean we don’t care! A friendly relationship with your ex’s new partner will benefit you, your child, and your coparenting relationship.
- A more unique idea is having family photos done and involving your ex. Take some pictures with both of your blended families altogether (if you both have them). Then, some separate and some of just you, your ex, and your shared child(ren). You could also do Mom/Step-Mom or Dad/Step-Dad pictures. This is a nice goal especially if you were in the habit of annual family photos prior to your separation/divorce. Afterward, your child(ren) can keep some of these pictures in their room that include all of the people who love them the most.
- If your child is involved in a sport, going to practices/games together and cheering for them is another avenue to consider. Show up in matching t-shirts, face paint, or with hand-made signs. Honestly, are we even doing things right if we don’t embarrass our kids just a little?
- Another great opportunity with this coparenting concept is highlighting Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and typical gifting holidays. These could include birthdays or Christmas (or whatever your family celebrates). Take your child to the store and help them pick something to wrap for your ex, or find a craft to make and chat nicely about the opposite parent.
On that note, a gift I received one year for Mother’s Day was a finger paint drawing from my son. My ex took the added step of having it framed and he and our child both wrote in a card. It meant the world to me and still hangs on our wall. Little things like this can really impact your coparenting relationship and help your child feel less caught in the middle.
Please understand- I am not saying it will be easy.
This can be one of the hardest processes to follow through on sometimes. In all likelihood, there was a good reason for separating or getting a divorce. Regardless of the reason, our kids did not ask to be born or to have to pick a side. They only ask to be loved and seen.
That may sound a little harsh, but it truly helps keep things in perspective when you are in the midst of the sticky stuff that goes along with coparenting. Our children deserve to have as much of a sense of normalcy and familyhood as they can, even if their parents are no longer together.
If this is something that you’d like to strive toward, and you’re in a place to do so, our family is proof that it can be done. It will not be easy, but you can do this if both of you are willing to set aside your personal feelings for an hour or two. Taking these extra steps will help foster a healthy coparenting relationship with your ex and give your child some special memories and examples to reflect on one day. They can look back and see that we sincerely tried our best for them, and that divorce didn’t mean the end of having both parents.
And now I’d love to hear from you! Leave me a comment below if you found this helpful, totally unhelpful, or have any additional ideas for shared coparenting time with your child(ren). Let’s step forward together!
Check out my Home or Coparenting page for additional articles that may be helpful to you along this journey.
Good luck out there, Momma. You’ve got this!
